Praise the Son of God!

John 10:10, 14-15: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. I know my own, and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep.

Jesus, thank you for your amazing love. That you would know me and include me as your own, even after all of the times I have fled from you. Even more, that you would give me access to the Father by laying down your life for me. What a display of unfailing love.

The thief  is enticing, making me believe that he will bring me pleasure and will meet all of my needs. God, help me to remember that the path that the thief lays down leads to death and destruction. Jesus, you have told me that you love me and want to give me an abundant life. Help me to cling to you and trust in your promises. Lead me to the cross.

Reflections on past goodbyes

I’m not the kind of person who goes quickly from one thing to the next. I lived in the same house for the entirety of my childhood. I have never transferred schools. I’d only ever had one serious relationship before finding the man that I married. I’ve only really ever worked at two places in all of my working life.

As a result, goodbyes are really hard for me. Over time, of course it becomes easier. Yet, as I think about leaving CCE tomorrow, it brings back a flood of memories of goodbyes from the past. Graduating high school and leaving home was probably the most traumatic. Leaving Walgreens after almost 5 years was tough too…  little did I know that I would return in the future.

Wow, what a blessing it is that goodbyes are so hard. I have met so many loving people in my life that I hate leaving behind. Still it is emotional. These people have touched my life and I am a different person as a result.

I know that goodbyes are necessary to keep moving forward in life. If I couldn’t have said goodbye to home, I never would have met the people that I now have to say goodbye to at the U.

So here I am tonight: saying goodbye to the past and greeting my future.

All-powerful

As much as I don’t want to admit it, often times when I pray for big things I have an underlying assumption that it’s futile. Not with everything- I’ve seen how God has answered prayers about money, relationships, and more. It’s mostly about big things that I just feel are unchangable. For example, what’s the point in praying about ending abortion? There will always be abortion.

I forget that humans are not more powerful than God. I figure that God is just “one person” against thousands and millions of dissenters. Surely, there is more power in numbers than there is power in His being.

WRONG!

Usually for me reading the news does not bring about revelations about God’s goodness. But twice today it has.

First, in the Minnesota Daily, I read that the University of Minnesota is no longer seeking in the near future to exercise eminent domain to tear down the houses on the Essex block… the “home” of Campus Outreach, so to speak. I know that many people prayed about this, but as for me, I thought it was too futile to pray about. The University is a huge institution with a lot of power. They will do what they want to do: they aren’t concerned with our campus ministry. Yet, God created circumstances that caused them to reconsider their decision.

Second, in the Star Tribune, I read that abortion rates have been continually falling in the state of Minnesota. Like I mentioned before, although I do not support abortion, I thought it was one of those issues that was too big to pray about. Some say that abortions are down because young people are being more educated about contraception. That may be. It also may be the result of so many Christian’s prayers and a loving God who listens.

Praise God, who is so much more powerful than any one human being, and all human beings combined.

Seek first his kingdom

Recently I was reading through Matthew 6:19-34 as to petition myself not to worry about the future. I love that passage, so full of rich and comforting truth. This time, verse 33 stuck out to me: “seek first his kingdom and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well”. What a great foundation for daily life. What would it look like if I were actually to seek his kingdom first?

This question can apply to every aspect of life. Today I was thinking about how it applies to finances.

This is what it looks like when I’m not seeking first the kingdom:
Pay bills first, including giving 20 bucks to church when we make it there. Then, spend lots of money going to restaurants, driving unnecessarily, stopping for coffee at Cairbou several times a week, buying a ton of junk food. Save what’s left.

If Steven and I were first seeking the kingdom, by God’s grace, I think this is what it would look like:
Give cheerfully to kingdom work in the church and other worthy causes. Pay bills. Spend more money at the grocery store buying food that satisfies our body’s needs and less junk food. Save. Spend less money on leisure, and do more interesting, free things with our time like going for walks, playing games at home, having friends over, etc.

I know that a biblical standard to giving is to tithe, or give 10 percent. Personally, I consider specifying an exact amount to seem works-based and more from duty than from grace. For some people, it is a great tool to keep them accountable for contributing to the kingdom, but in my mind I don’t feel that I need to be told how much to give. If I am seeking first the kingdom, then it goes without saying that I am to be generous in my giving.

Why is it so hard for so many (including myself) to make the kingdom our first priority in our budget? For me, I guess it has to do with the fact that I feel like I earn the money. I don’t often consider the fact that I am blessed to have the ability to work and to have two jobs. I feel like I work hard, and I deserve to spend in a way that makes me happy and comfortable. That is not the truth.

The truth is Matthew 6:33: Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness. Jesus knows our needs and will provide.

Thirst

In his sermon this weekend, John Piper ,”One of the evidences that we are not drinking Jesus…is the instability of constantly moving from one thing to the next seeking to fill the void.” (http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/Sermons/ByDate/2009/3999_The_Tragic_Cost_of_Her_Cavernous_Thirst/)

Boy did this strike a chord with me. Whenever something gets hard or even uncomfortable I want to get up and out as quickly as possible. How obvious it is to me now where I’m putting my hope. My hope is in the world- jobs, location, other people. If something starts to not go in my favor, I move on.

I’m not saying that God never leads me to make a change. But, many times when I contemplate making a change it’s for the wrong reasons. It’s all about my comfort and temporary satisfaction. Instead of realizing that NOTHING in this world will ever perfectly satisfy me, I perpetually thirst after new things that I think will fill the void. I think, “if only this were different, I’d be happy”.

The truth is, Jesus is the only fulfillment for our deepest desires. He designed us that way. When I think about situations in my life this way, it takes so much pressure off and allows so much more joy in my life. Things don’t have to go great at work and I don’t have to love living in Minnesota. My joy does not depend on circumstances. What a difference it makes in my attitude toward each day. Jesus is all we need, hallelujah!

Endure

Isn’t it great when God gives us exactly what we need to help us walk through a stuggle? God blesses me so much by allowing me to read, hear, or experience something that helps me process a stuggle that I’m having.

Lately the struggle has been endurance. I have been struggling a lot at work, and it has made me want to throw up my hands and back out. Find another job. Run away and never come back. Every day I dread the work hours to come. But Jesus knows me and hears my groans and cries. At this point, he isn’t solving the problem for me- he’s not showing me that it’s okay to back out, he isn’t opening doors for other opportunities. What he is doing is giving me tools to help me along the way.

After reading an e-mail that I sent explaining my struggle, my friend Andrea suggested to me that I listen to a sermon that she had just listened to about endurance and perserverance. It echoed what I am feeling by acknowledging the difficulty of endurance and the tendency of the human heart to just want to back away without facing the challenge head on. It affirmed me with passages from the Bible about the fruits of endurance and a picture of how God’s people endure hard circumstances.

Then, today, while preparing for my monthly “Titus 2″ book group through Bethlehem, I realized that the chapter for tonight is all about endurance. It talks about a woman who has suffered the loss of a child, poor health, and other trials and how she testifies that God uses times of suffering to bind us more intimately with him. That suffering is not something that we should seek to avoid, but be thankful about.

Thank the Lord for his special work in our lives to help us through struggles…even when he doesn’t remove the struggle from our lives.

Sweet, sweet summertime

I wish that my life was a perpetual summer. I never experience the same tranquility or joy at any other time of the year. As silly as it is, the weather really has a huge effect on me! It makes me wonder…why, WHY do I live here? Minnesota is a perpetual winter with streak of warm days in July and August.

As much as I would love to move home to Milwaukee to raise my family, let’s face it, southern Wisconsin is not much better. I would love it if God would open the door for jobs farther south. Denver would be nice. It snows there (which I don’t mind) and it gets cold, but not like the depths of winter here. Plus, it’s beautiful and has a metro area.

Hmmm…it’s nice to dream

I’m letting go…

Theme song of the week: “I’m Letting Go”- Francesca Battistelli. Check it out.

“I’m letting go of the life I planned for me, and my dreams. I’m losing control of my destiny…”

Last night Steven and I had another big talk about my career and how pharmacy will be a part of our lives. It lasted for hours. The one resounding question that was left is how I’ll have time to be a pharmacist and a mom. What’s the point in spending so much money in continuing education for me if I won’t even necessarily be able to be a pharmacist right away? Choosing this path is taking time and savings away from our future as a family.

Then, today we uncovered $18,000 in debt that we didn’t know about and as a result have been delinquent in paying. It was a school loan of mine that I figured had been accounted for but apparently was not. My parents originally said that they would pay off my undergraduate education, but somehow this loan slipped past all of us. I never quite felt comfortable with my parents footing all of the bill in the first place, but with this added expense, there is no way that we expect them to pick that up. I WANT to take responsibility for this loan.

Tomorrow was supposed to be my last day at the U because I am supposed to start a 4 credit summer class a week from tomorrow. We have already paid out-of-pocket for this class. Our solution, pending approval from the U, is that I will drop the class and get the full refund which we will apply to back payments on this loan, and God willing work those two days a week at the U so that we can start making monthly payments on this loan and be able to save more. I’m praying so hard that they will allow me to stay on working at the U this summer.

Anyway, although I’m upset about having to postpone my education, God is in control, right? It’s so hard for me to give up control. I have no idea where God is leading me through these conversations and events. I don’t know if he is calling me to pharmacy, or if he is, when he will open those doors for me. I’m so inclined to be bull-headed and to want to do things my way. But at the same time, I sense God’s deliberate plan.

Please pray for me that God would allow me to submit humbly and patiently to his plan for us right now and that I would not be anxious about the future.

Seasons

I often hear other Christians talk about “seasons” of faith. There are seasons where you are growing a lot, and dry seasons where you struggle to believe and to perservere in the faith. To me, the word season implies a stretch of time–months–but in my faith life my seasons seem to last only days and sometimes weeks.

This is how it plays out: I have like a week where I reject the Holy Spirit, consciously or unconsciously, and think that I can do it all myself.  I think that life is better and less complicated when I only have to answer to myself. Slowly, but surely, things in my life start to fall apart and I find myself in a pit. Then, something happens that causes me to repent and come back to the Lord…and those are the sweetest times. I can hold onto it for awhile, but not long.

It is so perplexing to me that although I know that my life is nothing without Christ, I can fall so easily and so quickly into my own devices. That is the nature of my sinful heart. I am amazed that Jesus will always forgive and accept me back with open arms. I think about how I feel about people who have sinned against me and how unwilling I am to forgive. Jesus is amazing beyond comprehension. Thinking about his grace makes me want to fall to the floor in humility and thankfulness. I think that’s the best word to describe it: floored.

To be a woman and follow the Lord

As part of our weekly small group, Steven and I have been listening to Mark Driscoll’s “Peasant Princess” series. For those of you not familiar with it, it is a series of sermons on the Songs of Solomon that deals with marriage relationships and sex. I would highly recommend it–it’s very thought-provoking. In many ways it has improved our marriage already in being more conscious of the foundation of our marriage, what it means to be married, how to serve one another, and how our sexuality is a gift from God. It has Steven praying about how he can be a better man and a better leader, and it has brought up a whole wave of questions and prayers in my life as a woman.

I am struggling between the desires of my flesh and the desire of fulfilling God’s design for women. Namely, how and when do bearing and raising children fit into my life and career? This is so difficult to think about.

I was raised by a  mom who stayed home with me during the day and worked nights and weekends so that I never had to go to day care and I am so grateful for that. As a result, my mother and I have a very strong bond, I feel as if I am a top priority in her life (as I should), and I honestly believe that I would not be as successful as I am today if I had not had a mom who stayed at home. From a young age, my mom read to me, taught me how to read, write, and type and motivated me to be passionate about those things. I was not homeschooled, but by the time I got to school I was ahead of my classmates because of what she did at home with me. I think that it is so important that women invest in their children in the highest capacity possible. I strongly disagree with the idea of a woman having children just to meet a milestone and check it off the list.

I am not sure who reads this blog, and am aware that the previous paragraph may be offensive to people who were not raised by stay-at-home moms, or women who are mothers that have to work full-time to support the family. This is definitely a case-by-case basis situation…not all families can do it! I can tell you that if I were to get pregnant right now, there would be NO way that I would be able to stay at home due to financial constraints and there would be grace for that. This thought is more directed at women whose husbands already make enough to provide for the family and who are working just to have a higher standard of living…more clothes, vacations, shoes, etc.

Despite knowing that I want to stay at home with my children, I still have a desire to serve God through pharmacy. My interest is so strong, and God has given me the specific talents and intelligence that I need to succeed in the profession. I can admit to myself that it may be the devil that is trying to pull me away from God’s true calling for my life by planting images in my head of a lucrative career where I get glory for my intelligence. Still I can’t help feeling like I don’t want to waste what God has given me with pharmacy.

Sure, as Steven says, I can be a stay-at-home mom and be a pharmacist. I have time to be a pharmacist on nights and weekends, and plenty of time when the kids are at school. And honestly, I don’t even know at this point if the Lord will bless us with children! I may have all the time in the world to be a pharmacist if that’s not the case.

It comes down to how long it is wise to wait before trying for children. I’m of the mindset that it’s a matter for the Lord to decide and that we should use minimal contraception. Steven is of the mindset that family planning is okay and we can wait until I’m done with school (which is when I’m 29 by the way). It’s something that we are both praying about and we’ll see how it plays out.

I imagine that this is an issue for a lot of college-educated women like me. How does it play out in your life?